The Ballad of Tommy Lu

And here is the full text of "The Ballad of Tommy Lu (in Many Tweets)" that I read this Sunday at Word on the Street in Lethbridge:

The Ballad of Tommy Lu

(In Many Tweets)

I

You think Luckaszack is just a hack,

knows nought of PSE?

Well, here’s a song to prove you wrong,

so let the praise run free!

“We’ll give you cash and in a flash,”

said our Tommy, running.

He really meant, “The money’s spent,

sorry ‘bout your funding.”

“I am can-do,” said Tommy Lu

when up against Wild Rose.

Then he got in, stifled a grin,

“I’ve got some schools to close.”

We cheered, of course, without remorse:

who needs education?

Students will learn, after this burn,

‘bout this politician.

Why do they read when what we need

is good ol’ worker drones?

We need drillers, pillow fillers,

and people to answer phones.

He did besmirch the pure research

of profs who might think lots.

What’s the use of a lab recluse

if we can’t sell robots?

“I decide what’s taught (before I’m caught

punching above my weight),”

Said Tommy Lu to his mighty crew,

unaware of their fate.

If truth be told, our hero bold

unsheathed his battle axe:

he slashed and hacked, laughed and smacked,

“We always refuse to tax!”

He fixed his hair, said with a glare,

“we just require prudence.”

Though jobs were lost, “Despite the cost,

I support our students.”

To those who balked, Tommy had talked:

“This is gonna hurta.”

Though students cried, Tommy replied,

“I’m burning Alberta.”

The Ballad of Tommy Lu

(In Many Tweets)

Part Two:

Centralizing Bugaloo

Open your ear, and open a beer;

I’ve got a tale for you.

Here’s a story that sings the glory

Of the hero Tom Lu.

Tom takes his post: the students toast;

The profs all think he’s cool.

He’s on their side against the tide

Of this bitumen tool.

The budget fell, became a hell

For those who like Tom Lu.

He yelled, “Surprise! I’m Enterprise!

Deputy Premier, too!”

At this dual role, some eyes do roll,

Say it’s a lot to heft.

Tom will not shirk; it’s hardly work

When there’s nothing left.

He stands tall, cutting it all,

Much to the schools’ dismay:

“I take it back! Some I’ll sack;

Some programs shout, ‘Mayday!’”

But Tom’s not done; he’s having fun

Torturing all students.

He preens his mane, says with disdain,

“I’ll stop that impudence!”

To Tommy Lu, students said, “You

Promised autonomy!”

Into the mic, Tom spit with spite,

“In this economy?”

Despite their size, he’ll centralize

All of our many schools.

“It’s well and fine for some to whine;

we know they’re silly fools.”

“Go take a hike; it’s no Third Reich–

it’s what I have to do.”

He leaves, stage left; they’re all bereft

because of Tommy Lu.

But don’t be sad for this ballad

Of Lucky Tommy Lu.

Please don’t be sore; I’ll add some more,

But here must end Part Two.

The Ballad of Tommy Lu

(in many tweets)

Part III: Institute of Mystery

“I am can-do,” said Tommy Lu

(some even whispered, “liar!”)

But he got in, stifled a grin:

“I’ve got some profs to fire.”

The budget dropped; the schools were stopped

from having half a chance.

Here’s Tommy’s line: “Now don’t you whine,

We’ll cut to excellence!”

“I’ve got some news!” said Tommy Lu,

“We’ll add another school.

An institute of great repute!”

They screamed, “You bloody fool!”

He laughed, said, “Yup. But listen up,

Your research you can share.

And this is fun: it will be run

By CEOs--that’s fair!”

“The Institute, it will make the loot

We so sorrily need.”

Students said, “No!” Profs said, “Whoa!

You are making us bleed.”

Said to his face, “Where is this place?

And we already share!”

And came the shout, “Get business out!”

Tom Lu just brushed his hair.

Tom wanted to flee: “Where it will be,

I have no real idea.

When I find out, I will no doubt,

Tell you some time. See ‘ya!”

And now, today, the U of A

has asked some profs to leave.

“But they weren’t fired; they just retired!”

Said our Tommy, starting to weave.

“Tuition I’ll freeze!” (not other fees)

“I do it for their sakes.”

Though students cried, Tommy replied,

“Who pissed in your CornFlakes?”

At Tommy Lu, they threw a shoe;

he dodged and weaved and ducked.

They’re just so proud; they shout so loud,

“Our schools are truly . . . in a whole lot of trouble.”